


Where’s My Love?

by Nameless_WIZARD



Category: TXT (Korea Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Beomgyu is a Sweetheart, Broken Huening Kai, Emotionally-Constipated Soobin, Hanahaki Disease, Huening Kai is Whipped, Huening Kai is a Sweetheart, M/M, Pining, Poor Life Choices, Ryujin is a Great Friend, Suffering in silence, Suicidal Thoughts, Taehyun is a Good Friend, Unrequited Love, Yeonjun drinks beer a lot, Yeonjun is a Good Friend, soobin is clueless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2019-12-31 21:40:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18322472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nameless_WIZARD/pseuds/Nameless_WIZARD
Summary: What one has done in the secret chamber one has someday to cry aloud on the housetop…And to Huening Kai, it’s Soobin’s name. What he once only kept secret to himself, what he once told his pillows at night, and what his four walls kept secret he was now screaming at the top of his lungs. What he once whisper tenderly, now he screams in pain.His name in his head, on his lips while heart is on the floor, scattered.





	1. Yellow Tulips

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys, please don’t kill me on this. This story has heavy angst because I was an angsty teen. I love all the members (STAN TXT) so whatever their roles and fate in this story doesn’t mean I dislike any of them. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: there will be a lot of mourning and suicidal tendencies. thus, my portrayal of the same will not be perfect but I will try to be sensitive and accurate about those.

_“The_   _life that I have_

_is all that I have_

_And the life that I have_

_Is yours._

 

_The love that I have_

_Of the life that I have_

_Is yours and yours and yours._

 

_A sleep I shall have_

_A rest I shall have_

_Yet death will be but a pause._

 

_For the peace of my years_

_In the long green grass_

_Will be yours and yours and yours.”_

 

— Leo Marks

 

 

Kai dropped his bag in front of a mahogany door that stretches to the heavens. It was afternoon of a Saturday, he wasn’t supposed to move in but it’s better than to be left alone at home with his mom. She insisted on driving him but he had to decline and rode the first cab he hailed when he got out of the house.

“308,” he huffed as he stared at brass number attached to the door. He palmed both his pockets to feel the keys and felt a panic rushed in his nerves when he felt it empty. Racking his head, he thought where he left it while his hands fumble on his coat pocket. Brown eyes landed on the duffel bag on the floor, his knees followed afterwards. He scrambled on the pockets of it before the door opened. Like a deer caught in headlights, he stared at a boy with grey hoodie and black Addidas. There was an ever-present pout on the boy’s lips but it wasn’t anything intimidating, rather he found it cute if he’s being totally honest. He was gripping an umbrella, ready to strike someone when he saw Kai on the floor, his face softened by a degree. Nintendo theme blasting on the background.

Kai shoot up on his feet and bower his head. If he recalled correctly, his roommate is a junior. “I — “

“Ah, I thought it was Beomgyu,” he sighed, lowering the umbrella. “You must be the new meat, huh — I’m Yeonjun, by the way.” He extended out his hand.

“Huening Kai,” Kai said, firmly shaking Yeonjun’s offered hand. The latter raised a brow and smirked. “Never heard of that name before, where you from?” Yeonjun stood on the side, letting Kai peeked in the room. He immediately carried his duffel bag and slid in, hearing the click of the door locked. “Um — from Hawaii, actually. But we moved around. A lot. Because of my parents.” It was amazing, the stark contrast on Yeonjun’s side of the room from the empty space he realized his own. Yeonjun adorned his walls with vinyls and posters from the 80s and 90s British rock band. An electric guitar at the foot of his bead and the gaming consul in front of his dresser. He’s got two bean bags sprawling in the middle of the room.

“So what are you taking, Huening Kai? Beer?” Yeonjun offered one he got from a mini fridge concealed as a speaker. Kai gladly took it and muttered a thanks.

“Philosophy and Public Administration,”

“Ah double degree, then we need more drinks on dark times, aye?” Yeonjun opened his own can and took a large swig, plopping down on the bean bag with a huge sigh. He was sure alcoholic beverages is not allowed, but hey, he’s not getting on anyone else’s nerves today. Kai was too busy musing over his roommate but the latter gestured for Kai to move on his space. “It’s your space to exploit, “ Yeonjun winked. “Also, as a form of hospitality, I give you my list of cool spots to hang out and best food outside university. From there where CCTV ain’t working to the dark spots you can smooch. Also, party Sunday night at Archer’s —“

“The arcade on the alley?”

Yeonjun scrunched his nose. “Yeah, yeah, that one. Freshmen are hauled over there to get hangover on their first day of class. You have to be there to be, you know, be part of the cool kids — if you wanna, like, no pressure.”

“Cool,” Kai shrugged. “But I just wanna graduate

“Cool,” Yeonjun answered before he finished the can and scoot over to continue his game. “I’ll let you off the hook, ‘kay? Only because I’m gonna disturb you more often than desirable.”

Kai smiled on that, finding the crumpled directives of Yeonjun on his bed. He didn’t packed much so he finished putting away his things even before Yeonjun could start a third game. He joined his upperclassmen in a short while when his phone rang. Kai continued bumping his poor roommate’s cart when he called it quits. “You’re not gonna answer that?” As an answer, Kai reluctantly dragged his steps on the bed side.

It was his sister.

“Just gonna take this outside,” Yeonjun nodded once, starting another game on his phone.

Kai ran out of the common veranda and answered it.

“What took you so long?” His sister cried on the other line. Voice riddled with fret. He did it again.

“I’m sorry, I was playing with my roommate,” he quickly came up to his defense but albeit Kai can’t see her, he knew his sister is not buying it. Probably scowling on nowhere.

“You meant you thought I was mom?” She corrected.

“Lea —“

“I’m glad you made friends there already, Kai.” Her tone warmed upon. He swore he knew what will happen next and he wasn’t wrong. Lea sighed before she started yet again, “Mom is worried,”

“I know,”

“I was worried,”

Kai looked up on the pastel orange of a sky and closed his eyes for a second. “I’m sorry, but I told you before, you don’t have to worry about me when I’m gone,”

“We know you love doing things on your own, but you have to consider Mom as well. She’s trying, you know. You don’t have to be so hard on her.”

Kai swallowed a bitter pill instead of saying anything anymore. “I miss you, Kai.”  
He didn’t know why but every gulp feels like a scratch to his throat. Hot tears were threatening to spill on the corner of his eyes but instead, he took it all to stop himself from crying. “Maybe you should at least visit. I know you’re living your best life with your soulmate but we’re still here. Existing. I’m here, alive. Yet. Maybe you wouldn’t miss me that much, maybe.” It was like a vomit. He can’t control his words, his tongue. He bit it back but so does his apology. Why are you being like this, Huening Kai.

“I’m sorry, Kai. I just cant leave work easily.” Lea said. At this point, he wanted to curse himself. He knows his sister’s job, he knows their grandparents wouldn’t just let her sister go back to Korea, yet he insisted. Every time. “Just please, promise me you’ll still go home? Check on mom, please?” His sister said.

“Don’t worry, I’m not abandoning anyone.” It came out wrong, he knows.

“Kai —“

“I don’t mean it like that — look, I’ll be fine. B will surely miss me anyways, so don’t worry. Did you call her?”

“Mom? Or B?”

“Anyone of them.”

“I did, both of them. B won on her swimming competition, did you see her instagram?”

“No, I really haven’t check anything since I got here. “

“You should. “

“Yeah,” he sighed. The late August air blowing his face. “I should go.” Kai could already see the sky turning ink blue when he parted his phone from his ears. “I’ll see you on Christmas.” He heard his sister before he cut the line.

It was supposed to be the last days of summer yet the warm, thick air still lingers stubbornly. He heaved a sigh, hurrying inside to continue his game with Yeonjun.

He arrived at him on the phone as well, lazily playing the game controller. “Of course, I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you, babe. Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.” He giggled before he tossed his phone to the bed.

“Your girlfriend?” He really didn’t mean to pry but Kai is the awkwardest when trying to start a conversation. Yeonjun didn’t look offended, instead he looked back at him with a glint on his eyes. “My soulmate, you mean?” He smirked. “And no, it’s a he. Name’s Kang Taehyung. Prettiest smile of all. You should hear him sing - not to brag, but yeah,”

Kai stared at him for a moment, unable to process the thought of having a soulmate at such a young age. As though he was staring at a gold chest in front of him. ”You already met your soul mate?” maybe he sounded bitter...envious, he doesn't really know or wanted to know.

Yeonjun wiggled his brows, his smirk unfading. ”lucky me, ” he said. Kai can't help but to agree and stared in awe. He didn't know much about soulmates. From the gossips on the streets he heard that when you found yours, you'll both just know it. Electricity in your veins, butterflies in your stomach, a sickly sweet feeling of wanting more — how hot and cold one can feel.

He couldn’t imagine being happy like that.

Some people don’t have a destined soulmates and Huening Kai doesn’t mind being one of them.

If the entire world knows the crystalline era of spending your life with a soulmate, then he belongs to the few that knows all to well how the same love that makes you golden can rust you out at the same time.

He wanted to hate it, the idea of soulmates but he can’t bring himself to. In his subconscious, he knows how hopeful he was to meet his other half even if he will never say it out loud.

“Wanna carry on?” Kai said, pointing on the paused game in front of Yeonjun


	2. Snow drop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! Sorry this took long, was pretty busy at school with all researches and data gathering. Anyways, I changed the title to this song called Where’s My Love by SYML because it is one of the most painfully beautiful songs I’ve heard and I can relate this entire story that. I really suggest you listen to it. 
> 
> Any constructive criticism is very much welcome, esp on grammar because I haven’t proofread the same (I kinda need to proofread my research draft first, I’m sorry).
> 
> Enjoy!

It was Sunday during lunch when Kai met Kang Taehyun. He was a guy a tad shorter than him and Yeonjun with big brown eyes that seemed to be always surprised and a beautiful sun kissed skin. He seemed to have an affinity for clinging to someone’s arm which surprised Kai when he first looped his arms to him while they were looking for a decent restaurant outside the university. “It’s a habit,” Taehyun said to him after apologizing, so Kai let him be.  
“Jun told me you’re taking double major?” He muttered while eyeing Kai curiously.  
“Yeah, just public administration and philosophy.” As though his eyes couldn’t get any larger (it did), he stared Kai and took his hands. “I’m a philosophy major too!” He pulled Kai’s hand towards him. “What’s your class code?”

Kai took out his wallet and get his registration slip. “Wait a sec,” he said but halfway when he was to pass it to Taehyun, the latter snatched it. “PH11!” He grinned on the piece of paper in front of him as if it’s a winning lottery ticket. “Junnie, we’re almost in the same classes.” He yelled to Yeonjun across the room. The people in line before Yeonjun looked over their direction. The eldest flashed a huge grin and stuck both his thumbs out. “I told Junnie I’m pretty nervous for tomorrow because...” he heaved a heavy sign, “I mean, pretty much everywhere I’m too weird.”

“Pretty sure you’ll do just fine, it’s university, people has wider scheme of interest and minds their own business most of the time. And I’m pretty sure I’m worse than you.” Taehyun pinched his cheeks after a pregnant pause. “You’re a cutie, Huening Kai, your soulmate will definitely love poking and pinching your cheeks,” Taehyun said instead. It made Kai giggled.

To be with Yeonjun and Taehyun felt familiar. He can’t remember laughing this much since four years back. What with all Taehyun’s sassiness and Yeonjun’s over-the-top confidence, there’s no need to elaborate how they complete each other like a puzzle because it shows. The three of them decided to spend Sunday lazily at Yeonjun and Kai’s room with Stephen King’s horror as insisted by Tae (Taehyun insisted he be called like that instead, “it’s endearing and we’re friends now, Huening Kai, whether you like it or not, also I need you to hide Junnie’s beer, okay?” He whispered to Kai while Yeonjun was grumbling on the genre he was forced to stick to).

“My roommate texted me to get my ass out the entire day,” Tae threw a popcorn to Yeonjun and pat the empty space beside him on the floor, the latter squeezed himself and cuddled with Tae, almost pulling him to his lap. “Hey, Kai is here,” Taehyun reprimanded Yeonjun to no avail.

“He can do that?” Kai said.

“I can,” Yeonjun said.

“Not you, babe,” Tae slapped Yeonjun’s thigh. “My roommate? Oh it’s like an unwritten code when his boyfriend’s coming over. I’m just trying to save my sanity by not inadvertently witnessing them...you know.”

“Oh,” Kai only said. Taehyun shrugged and continued cuddling with Yeonjun, already hiding his face on Tae’s neck even before the opening credits roll. Almost the three of them sigh contentedly. Kai doesn’t mind spending the last day of vacation like this. As a matter of fact, Taehyun advised against going at Archer’s unless he said, Kai can stand dirty toilets and pointless flirting from upperclassmen and about a day-long of hangover. “That’s alright, I’m not really into crowded places like that.” Kai said.

“You’re not into crowded places like that yet,” Yeonjun corrected, earning another slap on his thigh from Taehyun. “Babe, you know I like it when you do that —“ but Tae pinched his ear instead. “Let’s not make Kai uncomfortable here,” he said through gritted teeth.

“No, it’s alright, you two are amusing,” Kai abruptly replied. Taehyun shook his head mouthed he shouldn’t tolerate Yeonjun but his boyfriend grinned and stuck his thumbs up.

The rest of the movie was spent in relative silence (save from Yeonjun’s whining about the movie once in a jumpscare).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the Victorian Language of Flower:
> 
> Snow drop means hope :)


	3. Periwinkle Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! Are you guys excited for the Cat&Dog MV because I hella am. Anyways, sorry for the slow update, your girl here has lots of backlogs but I really wanna finish this around May for another SooKai Harry Potter AU. I love the fact that Soobin is a ravenclaw/gryffindor and Kai is a slytherin (Don't trust his costume on that fansigning event, that guy is a Slytherin haha). 
> 
> I might be updating tomorrow as well, sorry for the slow-burn, I want a good build-up like any other stories. If you have any questions or suggestions, just comment down below!
> 
> Enjoy :)

Kai thought he will never survive his first week in college. What will all the requirements, home works, and readings on his first week, his planner was full of scribbles for term-end deadlines. “The books are too expensive, guess the library is all we got,” Taehyun told him after they met half-way at a bookstore aisle. “We should probably get our library card tomorrow,” Kai suggested, tailing Taehyun outside the book shop.

  
It was late Friday night and Kai got invited to a college party. He was wondering if it will be the same as what he saw in the movies, and the thought of it makes him feel nervous. He doesn’t really wanna follow Taehyun or Yeonjun around like a lost puppy just to ruin their evening, but at the same time he hasn’t been in any parties of this kind (do you consider a wilderness explorer and literature club year-ender a bash? Huening Kai doesn’t think so). “Please don’t tell me Yeonjun is driving,” Kai murmured. Taehyun chuckled and shook his head, glancing at Kai. “No, we’re taking the subway,”

  
“Have you ever heard of Uber?”

  
“Excuse me, Huening Kai, my peasant ass can’t understand you,” he grabbed Kai by his ears and paced towards the subway. He knows how lucky he is to have Taehyun, he was like an older brother he never had – an irony since they were born in the same year, Taehyun being a few months older than him but is, nonetheless, wise for his age. Too smart, frankly, Kai thought. He never considers himself the best liar but there’s nothing escaping Taehyun’s prying eyes, like when the latter drag his ass in the front seat of every class they had only to realize at the end of the day how Huening was trembling under the gaze of the professor. He did apologize and Kai promised he will get used to it – to nodding and keeping his eyes wide open as much as he can. Or maybe that one time Taehyun easily figured out he doesn’t like the bulgogi he ordered, calling him liar despite Kai’s cheerful façade over the meal.

  
Maybe Kai really needs to get his shit together at the party, he can’t have Taehyun babysitting him the entire evening.

  
“You okay?” his friend asked. Ah, this is what he had been thinking about. Kai cleared his throat. “I was thinking of making friends tonight.” He said straightforwardly to which Taehyun smiled onto, resting his nape on the curve of the backrest. “Hyuka is getting out of his shell, I feel like a proud mother duck?”

  
“Oh please,” Huening Kai rolled his eyes to the side, earning a chuckle from Taehyun.

 

 

 

 

  
The party was held in a dormitory room of Jeong Yunho and Hwang Hyunjin, Yeonjun’s friends from his dance club. “I didn’t know Yeonjun can dance,” Kai said.

  
“Well, either you’re too busy to spare him a glance or you got him shy. I mean, he’s pretty pressured being a Hyung to you, don’t tell him I said that.” Taehyun knocked on the door. There was already the muffled EDM playing behind the door, hoots and laughter accompanying a loud crash. “Well, I can’t say I did not expect that.” Kai chuckled. Yeonjun opened the door wide and greeted Taehyun in a bear hug. “God, I miss you all day.” He whispered – not hush enough to keep it between him and Taehyun. When Yeonjun opened his eyes, he smiled at Kai and gestured for him to come closer. Letting go of Taehyun, he gave Kai a firm hug. “How’s NingNing doing? Pretty busy on the first week, eh? It’s great you’re here, like, finally, a time to unwind.” He dragged both Taehyun and Kai inside the neon-lit hallway.

  
“Yo, Jun, that your soulmate?” one of the guys in a circle of seniors asked. One with a light brown hair perked up and scrunched his nose. “You have two soulmates? Is that even allowed by nature?” he said. Yeonjun went towards the small crowd. “This is my roommate, Huening Kai.” He patted Kai on his shoulder then ruffled his hair. “Hey, Huening Kai.” All five of them greeted in unison. They told them their names but the music in the background was too loud and the light too dim to distinguish and remember their features. Kai is grateful, however. They don’t seem like those kids that will even spare a glance on his direction but here they went. “And this – ” Yeonjun picked Taehyun and stole a kiss on his cheek. Their small company burst in laughter at the surprise face of Taehyun. "- is my wonderful, awesome, no-words-can-explain-how-lovely-he-is soulmate."

At this, Taehyun rolled his eyes but couldn't seem to hide his smile.

  
“Okay, Kai and I will just roam around to…look for familiar faces.” Said Taehyun, grabbing Kai’s wrist. “Don’t I get a kiss?” Yeonjun pouted.

  
“Maybe if you’d be a good boy tonight – you’ll earn it.” Taehyun tugged Kai away. He heard Yeonjun groan clearly despite the loud EDM and the cheering in the room they entered in.

  
“Kang Terry!” someone called in the corner. Both of them turned towards the said direction. Surely, it was Taehyun’s friends from high school. Taehyun took a step but realized Kai was with him. He spared him a look, as though asking for permission. Huening Kai gulped in terror but he remembered what he promised earlier — that he won’t spoil anyone’s fun tonight even though he’s beginning to be a nervous wreck inside. He could only nod and smile at Taehyun. “Go on, I’m gonna make new friends tonight, remember?” he said instead. Taehyun’s eyes grew wide in a recall. “You’ll call me when you’re lonely or if anything happens, right?” he held Kai’s hand until he nodded. “Of course,” Kai assured, watching his friend go to his own circle.

  
Kai heaved a deep breath and went to the kitchen for a drink. He helped himself with a glass of punch, nursing it and looking for something edible to pick. He was beginning to enjoy his solitude when he felt someone snuck behind him. He was expecting Yeonjun or Taehyun but it was a guy with chestnut hair swept stylishly on the side. His face looks like a fox, lips pierced with a silver ring. “Hey cutie, saw you get ditched by your friend earlier,” he said in a deep voice.

  
“I didn’t,” Kai said defensively.

  
“No? You must love being alone then,” he smirked, taking a swig of whatever was in his red cup. “Too bad I’m here to offer you a company.”

  
Kai frowned on his statement. He didn’t know this is what he would get tonight, but could he really afford to be picky? He couldn’t, but it didn’t seem right to just accept a company just because he was alone. “That doesn’t sound like an offer, more like an insistence,”

  
“Hmm, sassy. I like that,” he smiled widely, extending a hand. “Mingi, by the way.”

  
Kai tentatively accept the hand which Mingi shook firmly. “Huening Kai,” he said. Mingi’s eyebrow shot up. “Chinese?”

  
“German,” he corrected. Mingi nodded his head, that smirk was back again. “Interesting,” the older guy said. He didn’t let go Kai’s hand, instead he leaned in closer and pulled the younger at the same time. “Why would a gazelle stride straight in the den of lions?”

  
Huening Kai can feel his eyes rolled upward. “Are you asking yourself?” he snapped. He doesn’t know what so amusing about his remark but Mingi laughed on it anyways. He opened his mouth to say more but – “Terrorizing a freshman again, hyung?” Kai and Mingu snapped their heads to their right. A petite guy with blonde hair said as-a-matter-of-factly, while seemingly pouring cola in his cup. “I’m befriending someone who needs a company, Gyu,” Minu leaned away. The blonde guy faced them, leaning on the countertop with an unamused look on his pretty face. “Does Yunho hyung know you have too many friends, or maybe you’re being too friendly?” the guy said, sipping a drink on his cup afterwards. He averted his stare to Kai. “Do you wanna flirt with him?” he asked. It was so straightforward Kai rushed a loud no as an answer. As though it was his cue to leave, Mingi huffed in disbelief and slowly backed away from Kai. The guy on the counter may be small in stature but there’s something resolute on his stare. His face is a perfect oval with dark almond eyes that are very intimidating yet charming at the same time. “Who left a kid unsupervised?” he muttered supposedly for himself but loud enough for Kai to hear.

  
“Speak for yourself.” Kai reposted. The guy only chuckled, wiping the remnants of soda on his lips. “No, seriously. Freshman like you are magnets of undesirable, frisky upperclassmen. I do not intend to compliment you but I’m stating a fact.” He said.

  
Kai scrunched his eyebrow. “Thanks?”

  
“I reckon you at least know someone who invited you over?”

  
Kai nodded. “Yeah, Yeonjun did.”

  
The guy’s eyes widened a little upon hearing the name. “You’re friends with Junnie?” he said, walking towards Kai. “I mean, yeah, he’s my roommate? I came with his soulmate though.”

  
His eyes grew wider again. “Tae-tae? Are you Huening Kai?”

  
Kai nodded.

  
“You’ve been stealing my Taehyunie since the semester starts, but you’re forgiven, you seemed nice as what Tae-tae told me. I thought you’re…more Asian? Is that offensive?”

  
“No, I get that a lot. Huening sounds Chinese, so…”

  
The guy nodded in agreement, still studying his features. “So where’s Junnie? Taehyun?”

  
“Oh, Yeonjun’s with his dance team and Taehyun’s with his High School friends.”

  
The guy shook his head. “Why did they leave you alone?”

“No, I really don’t wanna follow them around. In fact, I told them I will make new friends.”

  
The boy in front of him smiled on that. “Well, I hope I don’t appear as creepy as Mingi hyung,” he put his drink down. “And maybe you can now make friends starting with me. I’m Beomgyu, by the way, Choi Beomgyu. I’m Taehyun’s roommate.”

  
“Well, I’m Huening Kai, nice meeting you, Beomgyu-ssi.” Kai was the one who offered his hand. Beomgyu took and squeezed it softly. “Just call me Beomgyu or Gyu.” Choi Beomgyu smiled warmly.

  
Kai thought maybe tonight wouldn’t be as bad as what he imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the Victorian Language of Flower:
> 
> Periwinkle Blue means early friendship


	4. Lilac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! I just got home from a trip to this secluded island and I didn't risk bringing too many gadgets with me there. Sorry for the delay and hope you enjoy this chapter!

Choi Beomgyu is an open book. There’s not a thing he told Kai that bores the latter. His stories went from the first time he met Taehyun to how he missed his parrot Toto left in Daegu. His phone resting on the window pane was glowing angrily against the dimmed room and it distracts Kai more than he wanted to admit. “Won’t you gonna answer that?” he said, tipping his head towards the window pane. Beomgyu shrugged without even looking. “It’s nothing.” He continued his story about his professor in Political Theory. “I’m telling you this, he doesn’t check the last pages of the term paper. I wrote a Coldplay lyrics there and I got an A,” he said. “I guess he loves Coldplay, no?”

The door in the room swung open and there stands a girl wearing a black and red crop top. Her hair falls just behind her shoulder. “Ryujin,” Beomgyu greeted. The girl didn’t smile or greeted back. “Are you two gonna use this room?” she said. Huening Kai hoped no one notices how his face turned beet red.

“No, we’re just talking.”

Ryujin nodded once, leaning heavily on the door frame, almost crouching. She had her hands around herself.  “So, you will not do it?”

“No,” Kai and Beomgyu answered.

Ryujin let go of a deep breath before striding towards the empty bed and plopping face down ungracefully. “You okay?” Beomgyu frowned on her.

“I think I had too much Red Bull and vodka,” she muffled against the pillow. “Also, I love Lia but please don’t eat her bulgogi – I think it makes me feel funny.” Ryujin turned her head on the side so she could see Beomgyu and Huening Kai. “Did you finally dump your boyfriend?” she asked Beomgyu but was staring at Kai.

Beomgyu shook his head. “No, just having some rough time.”

“Ugh – ” Ryujin flipped over so she was gazing at the ceiling, hands clenched on his stomach. “that guy is a five year old inside a man’s body. Giant baby.” Just as she finished her sentence Beomgyu’s phone lit up once more, trembling louder.  Ryujin and Kai slid their eyes at the phone then to Beomgyu, waiting for what he’ll do next. While Kai’s eyes were inquisitive, Ryujin seemed like she’s already judging every action Beomgyu might do. Beomgyu pressed his lips in a tight smile, standing up from his seat and snatching the phone from the pane.  He marched outside and closed the door as he go.

“Are you from around here,…?” Ryujin faltered, trying to recall a name she  didn’t even have a memory of. “Huening Kai,” Kai helped her fill the blank.

“Right, Hu – Kai,”

“Huening Kai,” he corrected.

Ryujin clicked her tongue, as if his name is a tongue twister. “I’ll call you Hyuka. And you can call me Cool Noona or Ryujin, whichever you prefer but I prefer the latter.”

Kai smiled. “yeah, I’ll call you Ryujin.”

Ryujin raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “Fair enough, Hyuka.” She propped her upper body up with her elbows and had her head turned sharply on Kai. “I bet Gyu had already told you about why he transferred to Public Ad, or maybe how he almost debuted as a Kpop star – no, maybe that one time he wrote Coldplay songs on his papers and got an A. Do you happen to finally know who Toto was? Or why he sucks at swimming and that Satoori accent he’s very proud of? Also, that frosh incident on spring? Or the songs he had written for his first love – blah.”

Kai tried to hold a giggle but everything that Ryujin mentioned, Beomgyu had already told him – even more. He could only nod. “That guy is high tension, won’t shut up – doesn’t know how to shut up.” She continued. “Can you imagine sitting beside him six subjects a week?” Kai could only chuckle.   

The door opened yet again and there stood Taehyun. The worry on his face melted off when he saw Huening Kai normally conversing with someone. Beomgyu followed him behind. “I thought we lost you.” Taehyun said.

“He’s under my care,” Beomgyu said rather proudly.

“Which is why I’m extra worried.” Taehyun said. There was a protest from the former but Taehyun ignored it to go near Kai. “Yeonjun had too much drink, he was puking his guts out but I think he’s fine now. Passed out, but fine.”

“Should we go?” Kai asked, voice laced with concern.

“No, no. You don’t need to go, I’ll just probably have to drop Junnie in the dorm,” Taehyun was like a worried mother duck, reminding Kai to call him if he needs to be picked up. “Maybe you should just come with us?” Taehyun finally concluded from his worries.

“The night’s still young,” Ryujin said, finally sitting up. Without sparing a glance to Taehyun, he turned to Kai. “Yo, you’re from east dormitories right?”

Kai nodded. “Cool. I need a partner for the beer pong later because Gyu sucks on it.”

Beomgyu put his hand on his chest as though it hurts. “Hey, I am not. It’s poor eyesight.”

“Please don’t have too much drink. I don’t know what will become of me if I’m gonna take care of two drunken men.” Taehyun squished his cheeks then shot a warning look at Ryujin. Ryujin only rolled her eyes on that. “Kai’s legal, and please stop acting like he’s a baby. Some people here have a family fetish and it shows.” Her frown seemed to be deeper than when Taehyun entered the room. Kai can feel the tension between the two of them. He and Beomgyu knew better than to just stand there. “I’ll be okay, Tae. I’m gonna call you of anything happens. I got Ryujin here” Kai uttered precipitously.

“Tae, I’m taking you home,” Beomgyu added. “I’ll pick up Kai later of you’d like –”

“That won’t be necessary, I can drop him off.” Ryujin said, eyes not leaving Taehyun. Before Taehyun could reply, Beomgyu pulled him up and dragged him out of the room. There was only the silence left but Ryujin seemed seething.

“I don’t mean to pry but what’s with you and Taehyun?” Kai broke the silence. Ryujin let go a few breaths before her vacant expression melted one of worry. Like she finally realized her new friend had witnessed their exchange. “Yeonjun is my ex,” she mumbled. “We were together since freshmen in high school until he met Taehyun through Beomgyu.” 

Huening Kai might as well choke on air with that information.  Ryujin and Yeonjun may not be soul mates but that fact did not seem to stop Ryujin from loving Yeonjun and breaking her heart in the instance he left her for Taehyun.  “I’m sorry, I know Taehyun is your good friend and I sound so bitter –” she chuckled sullenly. “– but I’ll get over it. Yeonjun’s not my soul mate, what right do I have against the universe to stop them from getting together?” She glanced to Kai with a sad smile.  

                Kai placed his hand on her shoulder and shared the same sadness for a moment, just to take out some she was holding in. They stayed like that for a good minute or two until, like something was switched on in Ryujin, she asked Kai to join him on the beer pong in the living room.

                Kai wasn’t the great beer pong player – if that’s a thing – as it turns out but Ryujin reassured him he’s way better than Beomgyu. They had somehow miraculously won mostly because of Ryujin’s sharp shots rather than Kai’s lucky ones. He did meet a decent number of Ryujin’s friends who are too nice to turn down for a drink. “Hey, go easy on the Jungle Juice.” Ryujin snatched his cup as he was about to refill it.  “But you drank more than I did,” he complained. Truthfully, the alcohol made him thirstier the more he allows it sliding down his throat.  

                “It’s because I’ve been doing this for a long time,” she said. “And you’re red already.” Ryujin scrunched her nose once she got a better look at Kai, chugging his refilled cup instead. “Hey,” he complained but Ryujin already had her hand on his chest, keeping him away.  “Don’t fight me on this, trust me, you don’t wanna feel like shit tomorrow.” She threw a bottle of water towards him instead.  

                The alcohol did make him feel lighter, talkative, dragging down every inhibitions he initially had when he walked in this place – but it’s nothing he couldn’t handle. Only with the reminder that he’ll go with Taehyun for their library cards tomorrow made him stop and chugged the bottle of water. It was an oasis for his throat.  Ryujin was studying him – no, he wasn’t sure about that, maybe she’s just looking at him out of concern or derision. _Shit, she must’ve thinking her life decisions when she talked to me_. Huening Kai flushed redder if that was possible. He shifted uncomfortably and rubbed his nape.

                “I’m going to the bathroom,” he coughed and escaped as fast as possible. Huening Kai was veering between bodies, almost getting ebbed away by the crowd who seemed to grow in number. He got elbowed and stepped on but after a dizzying minute, the crowd receded on the part of the bathroom. Kai took a deep breath and turned the knob but it’s bolted. He leaned towards the wall, waiting. The light on this hallway a dimmed yellow one with stars and moon sprinkled around it. It made him smile, it’s like what he got back home – the one his father put on in his bedroom when he was a kid.

                But suddenly the image of the light doubled and its pale light suddenly glowed brighter, it made Huening Kai squint. One minute prior, he could’ve sworn the alcohol only reddened his face and made him a little confident but not this drunk. He felt funny.

                No. He felt light, as though he was floating on water and walking on clouds at the same time. But his head – oh his head felt like it might as well fall off his neck. He doubled over but there’s nothing coming out of his mouth. Kai prompted his upper body with a hand on his knees while bending over, his other hand covering his mouth. _Panic attack?_ He asked himself but this is different, he knows it. It’s not the same dread as when he accidently locked himself in the basement nor is it any close to that horror – that chill on his bones whenever a lightning strikes.

                The sensation is hopeful – elated. Like waiting for his dad on the front porch, or watching his mom cook. He hasn’t felt like this in a very long time and even if he did, it’s nothing close to this tugging sensation both in his tummy and in his chest.  His body felt light, but his emotions are too.

He closed his eyes and count to five, leaning his back against the wall. He was sweating ice yet his body was afire. Huffs after huffs before he manage to steady his breathe but his heart was still beating crazy as though it wanted to run away from his chest. Kai put his hand on his chest, pleading his his heart for answers.

And it did.

It was in a form of a boy. Looking at him from the end of the hall, breath coming out raggedly and eyes skimming all over the place but not to Huening Kai. He swallowed down his own fear when the boy started moving away, realizing what he was looking wasn’t there.

_But aren’t you looking for me?_

Kai’s head was a mess. He wanted more from that boy but why is he walking away?

_It can’t be, please._

_Not today._

“Hey,” Kai cried, his voice cracking. How can someone feel so alive and dead at the same time? He wanted to know, he has to know. The boy looked back to him for a second just before Kai can feel his knees giving out. The boy had him in his arms before Kai meets the floor. Thousands of electricity rushed through him the instance his skin touches Kai’s. It made his heart constricts and his belly fluttered even worse. “Are you okay?” the boy asked. Kai was melting on his grip. He turned his head to see the boy’s face clearly. His eyes sparkled black – Kai can see his own reflection through it and that of the galaxies’. He is beautiful – gods, he is ethereal. _What’s his name? Can the boy feel this too? Is he alright_? “I don’t know,” Kai croaked.

He wishes for a lot of things but then, Kai wished to stay in the boy’s arm forever.

 The bathroom door opened and the boy turned his head sharply on that direction, Kai’s eyes never leaving his gentle face. “Kai, is that you?” the person who came out of the bathroom shrieked. Kai was searching for his eyes, wanting answers but the murkiness of it didn’t grant him any. “Is he your friend?” The boy asked the person now kneeling beside them. Kai glanced on his side, it was Lia – Ryujin’s roommate.

Lia nodded and put her hand on his forehead. The warmth he was feeling vanished as the boy let go of him.    “Yeah, he’s a friend. Don’t worry, Soobin oppa, I got him.” She said, taking Kai on her grip instead. The boy pressed his lips on a tight smile, getting up and sparing Kai an apologetic look before he sprinted towards the crowd.

Soobin?

Soobin is his soul mate.

But why is Soobin walking away from him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lilac means first emotion of love in the Victorian Langauge of Flowers. 
> 
> P.S. please don't kill me. I'm a Huening Kai bias, I will protect the baby at all cost.


	5. Flax

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eiiii I uploaded twice to make up for the late chapter hehehe. Anyways, lovelies/ Young Ones, please read this story with great caution. There will be A LOT of angst and I cannot seem to mitigate it bc it will alter the plot. And yes, I am a very angsty person, what with all the Oscar Wilde and Edgar Allan Poe I read when I was younger. Forgive me.

Ryujin

 

She did not know she was staring at Kai until he caught her doing so. She almost splutter her drink when Kai blushed crimson red, shifting uncomfortably. Before Ryujin can explain herself, Kai had already excused himself to the bathroom. “Shit,” she muttered. It’s nothing to be proud of but she knows quite well how her blank look can scare the living hell out of anyone. 

Her eyes followed the trail Kai went and shook her head. Even if the boy towers to almost everyone in the room, he still what Ryujin had always thought he is (even though they just met three hours ago), a boy. Just as lost and confuse as she was when she entered the university, still shaken and cold from the sudden manner her lover outgrew her. Just like a snap of the finger, a blink of an eye. Everything they’ve built through the years was like taken away from her - no warning, no telling. Just like a snap of a finger. She wanted to blame people, wanted to be angry at the way the  world works but she swallowed down every bitterness she can.  _ You never know, maybe you’ll meet your soulmate too!  _ Her friends reassured her. 

But what if she doesn’t? Twelve percent of the world doesn’t have a soul mate. What if she belongs to that percentage.  _ Guess I just have to own a cat -- no, cats. My entire house full of them.  _

Ryujin was busy musing over soul mates and Kai and that book she should be reading at the moment but decided no one in their right mind would do a homework on a friday night, that she didn’t notice a boy calling her name. 

“Ryujin,” Soobin called. His voice booming almost as loud as the music’s bass. Annoyed, she turned her head on his direction. He strode near her when he realized how uninterested she was. Soobin was saying something but she couldn’t understand him until he was close enough. “...Beomgyu?”  he said. Ryujin took a sip leisurely before answering, “What about him?”

Soobin opened his mouth but closed it afterwards. He lowered his head and rubbed his temple, one arm fumbling for anything he can lean on. Unfortunately, to him it was Ryujin. Now, Ryujin had known Soobin and Yeonjun in high school but Soobin was her neighbor since she was younger. They never really talked until Yeonjun and Beomgyu forced them into their own circle of friends. Ryujin always thought the Chois was secretive, but came to her own conclusion that they just think too high of themselves and their son was just as snooty. She tried to make friends with Soobin but Mrs. Choi had to ward her off, telling her to go find other friends because her son was busy with his violin lessons and other lessons whatnot. She asked again because Soobin seemed to be the only child on their block and Ryujin tried to drag her parents because the boredom playing by yourself was just overwhelming for a six-year-old. But of course, even with her mother in tow, the Chois aren’t the most welcoming family in the world. 

It was sophomore year in high school when tragedy struck his family. There are rumors going around the block but Ryujin’s mother always told her it is not for them to believe such.Until that summer, she doesn’t know what had gotten to Soobin (perhaps the weight of the world), and he joined Ryujin on her own silence, away from the campfire and into the vacated lot. There, they sat. 

Soobin told her everything. He was like a dam -- now everything surged from the walls he built all his life and the cold boy he once knew was flooding his eyes in front of her, of all people. She embraced him until he can finally breathe again, until his eyes ran out of tears, until he stopped shaking.

The rumor was true. At least most of it. 

Her mother had Hanahaki disease and it was critical. His father went away with someone and nobody knows how it was possible. It’s defying the laws of nature. The doctors cannot tell how a bonded soulmate can severe their connection from the other and just...went away? It is the first case perhaps in Korea, perhaps the entire universe and the government, the world health organizations, the scientists are still researching about it. Soobin told her it’s confidential and that even his relatives doesn’t know. 

“Why did you tell this to me?” Ryujin asked.

“Because I know you will keep it to your grave.” Soobin whispered to the night. 

 

“Are you fine?” Ryujin tried to put all her strength as Soobin put his weight on her. He groaned and shut his eyes a few times, still massaging his temple. After a few seconds, he finally managed to stand on his own.”What the hell just happened?” Soobin said, glancing at Ryujin as though she had the answer. “Where’s Beomgyu?” he asked instead, quickly forgetting the moment of pain he had. 

“They left already. I think they’re at Yeonjun’s.”

Soobin stared at the floor, still trying to find balance and steadying his breath. When he looked back up to her, all of that -- again -- was forgotten. “I’m just gonna head to Beomgyu’s dorm, perhaps his home already.” he said before he went back through the crowd and to the exit. 

It was only a few minutes before another person was calling her name again. But it was Lia’s and she sounded just as distress as when she was handling a drunk Ryujin. So instead of annoying Lia the same way she does to Soobin, she immediately turned to her direction. 

Alas, she was right. Lia is just so small but the effort she put on just to have Hyuka on his feet. She rushed on his side and helped her roommate, shooing some people off the couch before dumping Kai there.   

“I told you not to drink that god-forbidden jungle juice.” she plopped down next to him. Lia grabbed a cold water and offered it to Kai. “I’m not drunk. I - I saw…” Kai trailed off and looked at Ryujin with pleading eyes. She noticed how much he was gripping his pants. “Does anything hurts? Do you have a medical condition I should know?” she whispered but Kai shook his head. Ryujin placed her hand gently on his. “You know, you can tell me. You don’t need to be embarrassed or scared.”  she reassured him. 

She knows there’s something bothering him, something beyond just physical agony but as they only met, she doesn’t wanna pry. She want Huening Kai to open up to him just as Soobin did because they trust her and trust her alone. 

Huening Kai stared at her, as if silently screaming -- begging to be understand but no words was enough to verbalize the trouble he felt. So he only leaned on her. 

“He almost fainted but thank god Soobin oppa was there to catch him.” Lia said. 

Huening Kai tightened the grip on his knee, making Ryujin frown.

“I’ll be fine.” he muttered to Ryujin when he caught her again, staring at him out of concern. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flax means "I feel your kindness" in the Language of Flowers.


	6. Red Columbine

Huening Kai was staring outside the library window instead of reading and jotting notes for his Tuesday class. His feet, he constantly shook and his pen, he absentmindedly chew. He stayed up all night, shaking and biting his nails and looking for answers. 

He read that it’s not uncommon for one party to belatedly connect from the other. Hundreds of scientific journals even provided that only small percentage of soul mates bonded instantaneously. Some even had to wait for three months before their soul mates could mutually connect to them.

_ Everything is alright, it doesn’t have to go by swiftly. I will wait, patiently.  _

That’s what he has been telling himself from the moment he fell asleep until when he woke up too early this morning. He had been calling his name in his dream. It’s just him, smiling at Kai softly - his black eyes would disappear when he laughs. Kai wondered how his real laugh would sound like. At dawn, he whispered his name in the darkness of his room. And it felt wonderful in his lips. So he called his name again and again until his alarm went on, until he’s sure it’s on his lips forever. 

He tried looking for him in every social media he had, but to Kai’s disappointment, he cannot find him. Ryujin and Lia seemed to know him, perhaps I can ask them about his whereabouts, Huening Kai thought. 

He looked at Taehyun who was too engrossed with his book. Last night he missed ten of his calls and as a result, he spammed him with fifty more messages demanding him to answer his calls and partly threatening Ryujin if anything happened to Kai. 

When Taehyun noticed Kai was staring at him, he stopped and leaned back to his seat. “Yes?” he mumbled, “You’ve been uneasy for --” he flicked his wrist to look at his watch, “--An hour and forty-seven minutes already. Alright, spill it, Kai Kamal Huening.” he pointedly look at him. Kai took and deep breath and closing his eyes as he hold it in, before heaving a sigh. “I’m just wondering, how does it feel like when you and Yeonjun meet? Like, when you met your soul mate?” 

Taehyun frowned and leaned closer. “Have you met yours?” he said. Kai cursed mentally before smiling and shaking his head quickly. Kai’s determined not to be caught by Taehyun -- not this time. “No, it’s my sister.” he lied. “She thinks she found his soulmate but she’s scared and unsure but she kept on asking me for advice. And I haven’t met mine yet but you…” he trailed off, pointing at Taehyun. “You must know everything about it.” 

Taehyun stared at him for a good minute. His eyes, jeez, those eyes are already making its way through and through Kai’s. He recalled how he sounded asking Taehyun those questions -- he did sound normal. Like his old cheerful self, or at least that’s what he thought. But when Taehyun had finally veer his eyes outside and huff a breath, Kai knows his lies worked. “Well, it’s like being dipped into the coldest sea and being set on flames at the same time. It makes you feel two opposite sensations at the same time ---”

_ Yes, I felt that too. _

“And it’s light, almost tickling feeling deep within,” Taehyun shook his head, looking back at Kai. “I don’t know but it felt liberating,” 

“Yeah, I --,” Kai stopped himself.  _ I know, I know it all too well. _ “My sister won’t stop gushing about it.” he said instead.

“When did she meet his soul mate?”

Kai prevented himself from rubbing his nape or shifting uncomfortably, that would be an instant giveaway for Taehyun. He looked at him straight in the eye, “A week ago.” he said. Deep inside there was something that urged him to slap himself awake -- T _ aehyun is a friend, why would you lie to him?  _

But his heart told him it will be for the best albeit his head didn’t know why. He wanted to know more, wanted to know how sure he was when he met Yeonjun -- did they bonded at the same time? Did Yeonjun felt it first? Or is it Taehyun. . Kai has a lot of questions listed in his head to which he forcefully muted, trying to focus on the context of the same article he had been reading for the last thirty minutes.

They mostly talk about the articles and exchange ideas, although Kai can’t help but to feel that Taehyun’s trying to find a vulnerable spot to crack something out of Kai, so the latter tried harder to distract his friend, coming up with more theories, more questions, and mock quizzes. They finished all their homework for the coming week and Taehyun didn’t budge him with any question just as Kai held himself from asking anything related to soul bond or soul mates. Taehyun decided to take a nap with Yeonjun at their dorm after the long day. His face pressed against Yeonjun’s chest as Kai turned away from them, fumbling for his phone on the night stand. He greeted Lia and Ryujin, asking if they were available tonight for a hang out.

Within a minute, Kai received a text from Ryujin:

We tryna catch crabs and jellyfish. Lia’ s dying here. I dunno if we can make it to Seoul before dinner. Tomorrow night, u still on?

Kai confirmed his presence. Lia texted him next, telling Kai of their little field trip for their general marine biology. They talked back and forth through text, Ryujin finding him on facebook, Kai finding Lia – until they created a group chat where Lia and Ryujin mostly bicker or Kai randomly sending memes.

“You know, I’m pretty jealous that you and Ryujin already had a group chat,” Taehyun commented. Kai bolted up and turned to face his friend, sitting on Yeonjun’s bed and cradling a pillow on his lap. Kai giggled but the other just titled his head on the side. “Sorry, they dragged me to this. I just read them argue and tagged them to random memes.” He said but Taehyun’s eyes widen in disbelief. “You never send memes to me!” he said. Kai blushed hard and apologized once more.

“I’m on it,” he fumbled for his phone and added Taehyun and Yeonjun on the group chat. Taehyun grabbed his phone and changed Kai’s name into “TRAITOR”.

“Hey!”

But Taehyun only flashed a loop-sided smile before slumping back beside Yeonjun. Huening Kai spammed him with lame memes until he too fell asleep.

Huening Kai woked up from the ringing on his night stand. It was already dusky outside and his phone’s screen is blinding in the darkness of the room. There were no silhouettes on the bed on the other side of the room. Kai sat up, grabbed his phone only to squint on it.

It was Lia. He answered it.

“Hey, so we kinda arrived earlier than expected and Ryujin’s been tryna call you –” Lia paused over something on the background. Ryujin possibly. “ _ yeah, it’s Hyuka – _ ” another yelling on the background. “Okay so we’re grabbing dinner at Bulgogi place, Ryujin said if you’re not busy you can join us here.”

Just as Huening Kai was about to reply, the door opened and Taehyun turned on the light. Yeonjun was behind him, carrying bags of packed dinner. “Dinner!” he yelled, lifting the bags. Taehyun glanced behind him with a smile, helping Yeonjun to lay out the dinner on the foldable table.

“So, I think that’s a cue you won’t be joining us. Is that Yeonjun oppa?” Lia asked in the line. “Yeah, sorry,” Kai mumbled. “I’ll meet you guys tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about us –” Huening Kai could picture Lia moving the phone away and heard her talking something to someone – Ryujin, possibly. “– She said since you ditched us tonight you’ll treat us for coffee tomorrow after we buy lab equipment so that means 4 PM at the French Bistro. Cha!” and the line were cut off.

“Is that Chaeryoung?” Taehyun said, busying himself on opening every container.

Kai shook his head. “Lia,” Tae seemed to understand and shrugged. Yeonjun pressed his lips in a thin line. To prevent the tension from getting any worse, Kai stood up, humming and hugged Taehyun’s back. Yeonjun looked in protest but Kai didn’t pay any heed to it. “Are you two had gotten engaged? Why are we getting a feast?” he said in the cutest possible way, resting his chin on Taehyun’s shoulder.

“Hey – get off him, you little – I have friend coming over!” Yeonjun said, pouting.

“Yeonjunnie looks so cute when jealous,” Kai giggled. Taehyun cracked a smile and shook his head. 

“Is she cute?” Kai teased.

Yeonjun gasped, “I didn’t know you’re a flirt!”

“I’m not,” he tried defending himself but the other two were not having it, teasing Kai even worse. They only stopped (hopefully) when Yeonjun’s friend knocked on the door.

“Lemme get that,” he pranced towards the door. 

Taehyun settled down and pat the seat next to him for Kai to take.“So, are you done with the basic principle and Wilson’s article?” he asked. 

Huening Kai nodded.

And he felt it again - that dizzying sensation that makes him feel as though he was afloat a cloud. He looked at his palms and just how cold it was, sweating. “Are you feeling okay?” Taehyun said. Kai cussed in his head, he didn’t notice he was frowning until his friend was looking at him in serious concern. 

“Hey, Tae,” 

Both of them snapped their heads up to Yeonjun and his friend in tow. And Huening Kai couldn’t recall how to breathe as those black eyes caught his. 

Soobin seemed to forgot what he was trying to say. “Hey, you’re that guy with Lia, right?” he said instead. It was like a splash of cold water to Kai. Kai could nod. It wasn’t helping that Yeonjun had just pieced out a false information from Kai’s teasing earlier, about him and Lia flirting together because Soobin just agreed light-heartedly. Already, there was a blooming throb in his chest - dull but enough to get him off his line. Kai smiled tepidly and stood up, bowing to his soul mate.

“It’s nice meeting you, I am Huening Kai.” he said, covering the quiver in his voice. He composed himself before standing back straight. 

Soobin did the same, but Kai got the privilege of seeing his bunny smile. “I’m Choi Soobin, nice to meet you.” He pulled out his brightest smile and shoved the throbbing in his chest further. 

_ Why can’t you feel anything, Soobin? _

  
Huening Kai guessed that perhaps the heavens have strange way of punishing him for all his wrong in the past.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Red Columbine means "Anxious and Trembling" in Victorian Language of Flower


	7. Yellow Acacia

Fourteen. That’s how many times his heart skipped a beat during their dinner. It was as though fire and ice were coursing through his veins and he was suddenly aware of everything around him -- he was conscious on everything he does and he was scared but anticipating of what will Choi Soobin will think of him. He was quiet the entire dinner, often only answering what was asked by Yeonjun or Taehyun.

    Soobin never asked him anything but he would stare at him when the other two would. Maybe he just wasn’t interested, Kai thought. He sighed quietly to ease out his disappointment which he was quite unsure to whom pertains: to him, because he wasn't being accommodating towards Soobin as he was to literally everyone he meets or to Soobin because he wasn’t even trying. Kai wanted to stare at him. Gods, he just wanted to study his face and keep it in memory forever.

    _He always pouts when chewing or sometimes when he forgets what he’s about to say._

_He also scrunch his nose when he cringe._

 

Kai mentally berated himself for sounding like a creep. The reason why he cannot command himself to just lean back and stare at him as long as his heart desires -- not with the possibility of his soulmate avoiding him, as if that unreciprocated bond isn’t painful enough. Also, Taehyun’s an ace in observing everyone, he might as well figure it out and straight up tell Soobin that Kai has fallen in love with him (that’s very Taehyun of him, to be honest).

His phone started blaring and everyone in the table stared at him. He fished his phone out of his pocket and Taehyun, of course, had a peek of who it was. “Seems like your friend’s looking for you,” Taehyun commented while rolling his eyes. Before Huening Kai could answer the call, it stopped ringing.

Ryujin sent a message and even before Kai can read it, she was calling again. He thought Taehyun huffed an annoyed sigh beside him, so he stood up and excused himself. Maybe it was wishful thinking but he could have sworn Soobin followed him with his gaze until he was outside.

“Hey, hope you’re done with the dinner, Lia asked me to ask you, if you’re free, to watch their little impromptu recital here. She’s singing.”

“She sings?” Kai said. Ryujin laughed as an answer. “Yeah, and she also lost our little game of gathering crabs earlier. It's her penalty. You better get your ass here, she doesn’t do this everyday.”

And so Huening Kai promised to get there as early as he could, partly praying for Taehyun’s forgiveness. As he opened the door, Soobin had pulled the same open. “Oh - Sorry,” he said. Kai pressed his lips into a smile and looked down. His heart is doing funny things again. They were a good feet away from each other but Kai could just feel the currents -- that warmth that made him hypersensitive and equally lost on how to react to it, so he could only freeze and look behind to Taehyun, purposely avoiding Soobin’s gaze. He bowed down, thanking Yeonjun and Tae for the food. “Lia’s having an impromptu recital,” he added quickly when his intention to leave manifested.

“Oh is she at Bo’s?” Soobin asked behind him. Kai turned around but Taehyun already gave answer, “Yes, _they_ are at Bo’s.”

Soobin frowned for a second before whispering Ryujin’s name to Kai. His eyes had genuine curiosity in them. Kai nodded. Soobin then looked back to Yeonjun and also thanked them, bowing. “We better get going then,” he said.

This time, Kai can no longer hide his scowl. _We? He said ‘we’?_

It’s his bad, though, Soobin looked at him and smiled. “I’m also heading that direction,” he explained.

 _Oh._ Huening Kai nodded, thinking of kittens and the sea, just to stop himself from blushing. He’s being friendly, he reminded himself.  They bid another goodbye to the couple as they grabbed their bags.

_Act normal._

As they stroll outside, Huening Kai cursed himself for being unable to start a normal conversation. Underneath his calm demeanor is a war, a celebration — he can’t tell which is which, but all he knows is there is chaos inside of him. It isn’t helping how Soobin would open the door for him or bump on his shoulder occasionally when they pass by other people.

_You can’t ask him about his dreams and fears, Hyuka, you only just met him._

“So you’re also friends with Ryujin? Were you with them yesterday?” He started, glancing at Kai. He swore his breath was caught in his chest over how breathtaking Soobin was. Something on him gives of an aloof vibe which that dimpled smile easily melts into a gentle charm. Distracted, he almost forgot what was asked.

“Ah yeah, Taehyun originally dragged me there but Yeonjun got drunk so they went home early.”

Soobin chuckled. “So that’s why Taehyun seemed so pissed off.” He concluded, putting his hands on his pocket.

_Ah, why can’t you let me hold it?_

“Then I guess you know what’s going on between them.” Soobin added. Kai glanced at his side, he found the other boy looking at the steps he took. His face was back at it again, that cold and guarded expression, Kai cannot see how he was feeling. And it scared him for no reason.

“I got summed up briefly,”

“By Taehyun or Ryujin?”

“Ryujin,”

At that, he once again concluded the root of Taehyun’s rage. Kai never really acknowledged or admitted it but he knows Taehyun is somewhat threatened by Ryujin. Absurd but Kai considered them friends equally, no one is above the other. He felt bad realizing his prior actions may have shown otherwise.

It was Soobin who’s mostly keeping the small talk rolling. Kai has never been this grateful before. He answered diligently and asked eagerly.

Soobin was a biology student, it’s also his second year like Ryujin and he knows Yeonjun and Ryujin since high school. It wasn’t much but it’s better than nothing.

Their talk was cut short when nearing the bar, someone called Huening Kai. They both looked up to Ryujin, leaning on the exit. Her eyes widened upon recognition of Hyuka’s companion.

Kai smiled and waddled towards Ryujin. The girl booped his nose and pinched his cheek. Her equally bright smile to Kai was toned down when she greeted Soobin. “You’re alive,” she smiled loopsidedly. “I thought you’re already getting ready for finals.”

“Ha-ha.” Soobin said but he was smiling.

“Recital’s about to start, we should get in.” She told Kai, looping her arms around his and about to drag him inside but she stopped once she realized Soobin’s frozen on his spot. Frowning, she tilted her head on the side. “You coming or not?”

Huening Kai whipped his head on Soobin’s direction and for five seconds he met his eyes and they stayed like that. As if he’s feelings for Soobin couldn’t get any warmer, he felt his entire body on fire. Whatever hesitation was there in Soobin’s eyes was gone and so he nodded, walking beside Kai.

Once inside, Ryujin and Kai waved for Lia on the stage. She grinned and made a smaller wave to them, adjusting her earpiece. Ryujin dragged Kai on the table at the corner of the room, Soobin following them.

“So I see you met each other already,” Ryujin huffed in relief. “I won’t have to introduce you guys to each other and get Hyuka drunk before things stops getting awkward.”

“Hey, I wasn’t drunk last night,” Kai said in defense. Soobin shook his head and pursed his lips. “That’s not very responsible of you, Ryujin.”

Ryujin chuckled. “Calm down, grandpa. Hyuka just got bad stomach last night.”

The frown on his face went deeper. “Hyuka?”

Kai’s face turned beet red. He got nothing against Ryujin but it is endearing the way Soobin said his name even in a confused manner.

“Sorry, that’s my exclusive nickname for him, go have another one.” Ryujin put his arms on Kai’s shoulder. Ryujin is very cordial, as equally clingy as Kai and so he just leaned on the touch. Soobin was looking at them with blank expression but Kai thought that it was just his default look. But he wouldn’t break the stare, maybe it’s because he’s concerned about Ryujin or perhaps he likes her? Kai swallowed thickly, rejecting the thought before it spread a bitter feeling in him.

“I’m just gonna get a something to drink, would you guys like anything from the menu?” He said.

“Peppermint Chocolate,” Ryujin said.

Soobin hesitated answering. “It’s okay, I can order with you.”

“No, it’s Kai’s treat.” Ryujin declared, smirking at Kai who could only smile in bashfulness. Okay perhaps Ryujin is being extra today. “it’s my treat, dont worry.” Kai said, looking at Soobin. His eyes grew a fraction. “I’ll get what she’s getting, thank you.”

And so Kai slithered towards the counter.

 

RYUJIN

 

Ryujin quietly observed as Soobin’s eyes followed Kai. If she was fooling herself, she would have thought Soobin somewhat likes Kai. Earlier, she thought her new friend managed to meet some upperclassman but it only turns out to be Soobin.

“It’s a miracle, you’re not doing homework or studying in a Saturday night, are you ill?” She asked. Soobin snapped his head back to her. “Am I disturbing something?” Ryujin found the question interesting.

“If I said yes?”

Soobin didn’t answer. He usually does — snappy, sarcastic, annoying — but today there’s no answer. Perhaps he’s just genuinely concerned.

“No, you’re not disturbing anything. Kai is a friend. He’s the brother I never had.”

Soobin nodded. “You always got that in you,”

Ryujin tilted her head, questioning.

“That need to take care of someone.” Her friend said as-a-matter-of-factly.

She drummed her fingers on the table. “I don’t retreat back to my shell when I’m hurt. Don’t give up on love,that’s what mom always said.”

“Yeah, you fight until you can’t.” Soobin smiled but his eyes couldn’t lie. There is something bothering him. But there’s no need of asking him what or who, she just knows. “Did you talk to him?”

“He only said he needs to be alone and he doesn’t wanna see me for a meantime.”

“Trust him, Bin. He will have an answer by the end of these.”

Soobin laughed but without humor. “And what if I didn’t like his answer?”

Ryujin stared at him for a second. “Then you move on.”

“That sounds easy,”

“I know, coming from me who barely did so. But I remind myself everyday Yeonjun’s not my soulmate and neither is Beomgyu to you. Have you ever thought what if one day he met his soulmate, what will become of you?”

Soobin looked pained on that prospective. 

"I'll let him go."

Ryujin rested her chin on the palm of her hands. "What if you happen to meet yours?" 

“I will never have a soulmate,” Soobin declared with finality. Ryujin suddenly wanna smack this guy almost twice her height.

“How could you know?”

He sighed tiredly. Ryujin knows everything about this guy like no other people do and it scared her how she couldn’t even seem to help him took off some weight of his past. “I just know,” he whispered.

Ryujin was about to say how someone so smart sound this stupid but Kai had already arrived with their drinks.

They thanked the youngest instead and waited for Lia to finally start singing.

 

_It’s time to stop crying_

 

_I hear the sun rising after the darkness_

_It’s still night time in a corner of my room_

_Piece by piece, it’s falling apart_

_My old and dusty, small bag_

 

_…._

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow Acacia means Secret Love in the Victorian Language of Flowers


	8. Amethyst

When they parted, Huening Kai wanted to say — ask —more, but again opted for a little wave, a good night, and a small smile. Ryujin and Lia, on the other hand, dragged him to the arcades. “The night is still young, Hyuka.” Lia said.

    He absentmindedly play air hockey with them, replaying what happened at Bo’s. Well, there weren’t much, mostly Ryujin and Soobin throwing dry comments against each other and him laughing.

Soobin always stutters and Kai can’t help but pat Ryujin’s flawless comeback. Lia joined them and Kai made her narrate what happened at sea. She blushed a lot as she told him so. Huening Kai wished Taehyun and Yeonjun was there, just laughing their asses off. Only it is not for him to decide when things will finally stir clear. They almost went home at midnight, so Kai tiptoed his way into their room. From the night light, Kai can see Yeonjun and Taehyun huddled together, blanket’s almost falling off Taehyun’s shoulder. As hush as the wind, Kai walked towards them and put the blanket back to his friend. He turned towards the bathroom when a notification sounded from his phone a little too loud. Kai glanced at the two who remained undisturbed and creeped in the bathroom.

 

 **One** **Notification** : **Choi** **Soobin** **sent** **you**   **a** **friend** **request**  

 

       Kai squealed on his palm. He clicked on the profile immediately after accepting the request. Surely he found they both like sharing memes and Soobin, pictures of dog and random biology articles, while Kai mostly just put on existential memes and cats on his timeline. He sat on the toilet, his intention of going inside has long been forgotten as he scrolled through Soobin’s profile. He surely never post anything out of his mind, Kai has more rants about existentialism than Soobin on his entire profile. He went to see photos and somehow realized what he lacks in words (or memes, in Kai’s humble opinion) he makes up for random photos he took of sceneries, his high school friends, and his dog. There are albums named after Yeonjun, Ryujin, and Beomgyu.

 

_He knows Beomgyu?_

 

        Well, he should’ve known, after all Beomgyu was the one who introduced him to Ryujin. Kai did added Beomgyu after he went home last night and all he got from him are mostly selcas and few pictures of him and Taehyun and food.

       Guilty as he is, he saved what little photos Soobin have and hid it away in his gallery. He already got more than what he asked for and contented, he went to bed.

  


         The weekend went on a blur but Kai recalled Taehyun and Yeonjun having a date lunch on Monday which meant he has to spend it alone since Ryujin and Lia also have four-hour class. So he went on the yard in front of the cafeteria to bask under the sun, busying himself on suggested readings by his professors. Too busy perhaps that he overlooked someone approaching him. It was then that his eye flew to Choi Soobin’s smiling face and his heart and stomach did a somersault. “Hey,” Soobin said.

      Kai gulped and blinked, repeating the same. “Am I disturbing you?” The boy said. Kai immediately shook his head and smile. He managed to retain composure even though his ears are strawberry red. “No, we’re cool.” He received a toothy smile from Soobin and god, did it make him feel light head to toe. The fact Choi Soobin is seated across him, them alone together, the weather was nice and sky was clear,  this warmth in his chest as though he’s gonna explode — Kai asked the universe if it’s starting? Is Choi Soobin finally feeling their bond? Huening Kai hoped so.

       “Do you like some cream bread?” Soobin held up a paper bag full of assorted bread. It made Kai chuckle and nod. It was from that instant when Soobin handed him the bread that their hands touched that electricity zapped through his veins. His eyes widened and he bit his lip from gasping. “You alright?” Soobin asked, their hands still touching. Kai gulped and nodded. “This is just my sisters’ favorite?” He said. Which is not actually untrue. Bahiyi and Lea do love cream bread but Kai doubt it’s as much as Soobin does. Kai murmured a thank-you and get the bread, slipping away from that electrifying touch.

           “Really? She must have a really good taste.”

            “Well, they do.” Kai corrected. The other boy smiled and nodded. “Sisters, no brother?”

            “Nah,”

        Soobin stared at him, a small smile playing on his lips. “I don’t have any siblings. I got cousins but we kinda lost connection growing up,”

             _Oh_

Huening Kai can see the wistfulness in his eyes. “You got Yeonjun and Ryujin.” He reminded the elder and with that, Soobin’s smile finally reaches his eyes. “You’re right,”

            _You have me, Soobin, but you don’t know that just yet._

       “So, you’re a Philosophy major like Taehyun?” Soobin stared at the stacked books of Nietzsche and Sartre. Kai glanced where Soobin’s eyes were lingering and chuckled. “Yeah, I’m doing double major because my tortured soul needs a way to deal with recurring existential crisis,”

             Soobin _smirked_. This guy, Kai thought. “Tortured soul,” he repeated, nodding. “do you also listen to ambient and indie?”

             “Indie, sure. Though I have Adele’s entire discography on my playlist.”

              “You listen to her songs?”  His eyes grew wider.

            Chuckling, Kai tilted his head on the side. “What? Do I look like I’ve been living under the rock? She’s my jam. Also Bruno Mars and Taylor Swift.”

          At this point, Soobin was staring at him — Kai would daresay, in awe. “And indie bands?” He asked, placing his chin on his palm. His stare pierce through Kai and he could feel his face heating up so as he chuckled, he looked down on the bread the former gave. “Sleeping at Last —”

         “No way,” Huening Kai looked back up to him and his hand almost covering his mouth. There was a little surprise on his eyes and a smile he barely covers. Kai smiled and continued to list all the indie bands he listens to while Soobin stared at him in disbelief — how a barely-known friend shares his exact taste in music.

          “Okay, you’re a man of culture as well, I see.” He nodded. “What did you say you’re other major is?”

         “Oh, it’s Public Ad,” Kai doesn’t know why but the air around Soobin changed slightly. It was so subtle that an ordinary audience would pass it off as nothing but being his soulmate, Kai can already see the impalpable change in Soobin’s demeanor and mood. “Something wrong?” The question surprised Soobin as though he wasn’t expecting anyone, lest Kai, to know what he just did subconsciously. He shook his head. “Nothing, I just happened to know someone from that program, but you probably don’t know him since he’s a sophomore.”

            Huening Kai frowned, thinking otherwise. “Really? It’s a small community we got there.”

       Soobin chuckled and looked away. “Choi Beomgyu?” He muttered. Tenderly. Kai felt something inside him cracked. He swallowed up bitterly and blinked, ignoring the coldness in his stomach. “Yeah, I met him on the party and he’s Tae’s roommate as well.” He coughed right after he finished speaking. Gods, did he sound like a dying cat. Soobin could only smile once he returned his gaze on him. “They are childhood friends, the three of them. They compensate very well for siblings I don’t have.”

          Kai didn’t know what to say but this time, he just let his mouth do the talk.

         And talk they did. Until he forgot the ugly sensation he couldn’t explain earlier. Until Kai almost missed his next class. Soobin wouldn’t stop apologizing and when he did, he would put his hand on Kai’s back or his arms and it’s doing crazy stuff on Kai, he could only laugh and wave both Soobin’s apology and those aggressive butterflies in his tummy.

         Taehyun’s gonna kill him for being late but Kai thought Soobin might snatch that task from him. He peeked through the small window of the door and sighed in relief when he found his classmates still scattered inside.

          _Ding!_

         Pushing through the door, Kai stopped midway and read the message.

     

      Choi Soobin: I hope you’re not late. I’m really, really sorry. I got too caught up with our conversation. It’s really lovely talking with you, Kai.

 

    The door almost slam on his face — which definitely red with joy. As embarrassing as it might be, ge couldn’t care less when some of the people near the door shifted their attention to him. He’s just trying to stop himself from smiling ear to ear, biting his lips. Purposely, he walked at a pace of a sloth. Little did he knew, Taehyun’s already frowning on his friend, too drawn on his phone.

           Before Kai could reply, another message popped on his screen.

        **Choi** **Soobin:** **I’ll** **make** **up** **for** **it**. **Want** **to** **grab** **rice** **and** **fish** **cakes**?

         If only Kai could squeal. Perhaps, he did, mentally speaking. He stopped halfway towards Taehyun and swiftly responded on his phone.

        **Huening Kai: it’s alright, prof’s not yet here anyway. Rice and fish cakes sounds nice only if it’s your treat :D :D**

**Choi Soobin: haha it’s on me, don’t worry, only if you’ll tell me what combos you used to beat Yeonjun. ;)**

This time, Kai let himself smile. He pocketed his phone and paced towards his shared seat with Taehyun. Sighing as we plopped down, a smile still plastered on his face. “Well, you look incredibly happy.” Taehyun said. Kai glanced on his friend without that smile faltering.

              “Well, maybe I am.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back from the grave, y’all. Sorry for the wait so instead of an angsty chapter I made a fluff one and there are more to come, dontcha worry, this is only warm up.
> 
>  
> 
> Amethyst means Admiration in the Victorian Language of Flowers


	9. Peach Blossom

It was always Soobin.

Sure, Ryujin and Lia would join Huening Kai for dinner, Taehyun and Yeonjun for lunch if they weren’t dating or doing god-knows-what in their dorm room, but there’s always Soobin joining him lunch or dinner, sometimes both, mostly they stay at their usual place outside the cafeteria -- studying or talking. 

For Huening Kai, each day spent together makes his hopes stronger that perhaps Soobin has started to feel the bond. But Huening Kai cannot shake the rotten feeling that there is also a probability that Soobin was just as lonely as him, or perhaps Kai is the bridge that connects him to Yeonjun and Ryujin -- just like the old days, it makes Soobin feel whole, makes Kai feel important yet not loved. And even if those are the case, Kai can’t just simply say no now that he and Soobin has started hanging out a week and a half since -- it clung to his system. 

Soobin and Kai are rarely silent. Only when there’s homework or research or when Taehyun is with them do they opt to focus on silence and paperworks. Even in their small breaks, they still manage to tease out each other. 

“Can the two of you, please get a room?” Taehyun glared at them. 

Kai blushed but Soobin chuckled on this. “We can call nYeonjun, I’m pretty sure, he’ll run fast for you if you’re too envious?” he said. It made the red on Kai’s face and ears deeper.  _ Did he mean it? _ He shook the thought away. 

On a friday afternoon, Lia and Ryujin asked them to go to a karaoke, which Kai happily obliged.   Yeonjun, Taehyun, and Soobin were all engrossed in a movie playing when Kai received the invitation from Lia. He stood up and crawled towards Soobin, who happily scooched over to accommodate Kai on the beanbag. He felt his heart making funny skips when the elder didn’t remove his arms on the space he provided for him. Huening Kai pursed his lips, trying to evade the light from the television that would give off the redness of his face. 

Soobin bowed his head closer to Kai and at that moment, the latter felt his mouth parched and his heart beated faster -- he was so scared that Soobin might have actually heard it. “Lia asked if we can have a karaoke later?”

From his periphery, he saw Soobin smiled. “Well, the movie’s about to end anyway.” he said. Huening Kai nodded and about to stand up but the other boy grabbed his arms, stopping him from doing so. For a second, Kai felt like exploding. He looked to Soobin who seemed to stammer, what he was about to say long forgotten and his mouth slightly opened, eyes staring up at Kai. “Yeah?” Huening Kai muttered and it seemed to snap Soobin back, realizing he’s still grasping on Kai’s arm. He shook his head and let him go to Kai’s disappointment. “Nothing,” he said instead. Kai forced a smile and nodded, crawling back to his own bean bag. The place where Soobin touched still scorching. And he can no longer seemed to focus on the movie. 

Once the credit rolled, Taehyun stretched out his limbs like a cat, Yeonjun taking this opportunity to cuddle his tummy. 

“That’s a treat,” Tae said, glancing to Soobin then to Kai. “Right?” 

Kai nodded and smiled, but his eyes blankly staring on the screen even after Yeonjun turned it off. “So, I think Kai and I are going?” Soobin stood up and looked at Kai who only found out about Tae’s prying gaze.  Almost judging. Albeit he didn’t know if it’s for him or Soobin or just both of them. “Lia asked us out,” he said quickly but it didn’t seem to satisfy Tae’s unsaid question. 

Yeonjun rolled on the unmade bed and stretched there. “Oh and don’t forget about our Showcase next Saturday!” he prompted his upper body up and sideways with his elbow and head resting on his palm. “Soobin is invited and you got a plus one.” Yeonjun wiggled his eyebrow and points his lips to Kai. Perplexed, Kai put his hands midair and shook it. “No, I think there’s a mistake.” Soobin never really invited him to anything and Kai didn’t want him to feel pressured in inviting him. But Soobin waved off what Kai was about to say, as though he finally recalled what he’s to say earlier when he hold Kai’s arms. “Yeah, I’m actually planning to have you as my plus one --”

“Excuse me, now, Soobin,?” Taehyun intercepted to no avail. Soobin’s gaze was on Kai already. “So if you wanna go with me and...some friends? I reckon that will be great for you to meet new people. But if you don’t want to, that’s okay -- you don’t have to force --”

“No, that’s totally cool. I’ll go.” His answer brightened Soobin’s face and his smile grew wider, a stark contrast from his nervous one earlier. 

Kang Taehyun, on the other hand, was even more confused that he’s supposed to be. His eyes wide open just as his mouth was.

“Babe. close your mouth.” Yeonjun said which earned him a glare. 

  
  
  


Soobin and Kai, not to exaggerate, barely escaped Taehyun’s gaze. The two thought he’s probably mentally giving snide remarks about Ryujin but it wasn’t even close to that.  What he thought was a little closer to what Ryujin said when he saw Kai and Soobin, side by side, entering the karaoke place. “You know if I didn’t know you have a boyfriend, I would have actually thought that you two are dating.” she said, leaning on the counter.  

_ Boyfriend? Soobin has a boyfriend? _

He tried to stop it, really. But the frown on his face just surfaced once the reality had dawned to him. The little cracked he felt in him just started crawling longer and longer, Huening Kai felt like choking from the sudden coldness inside. 

He looked at Soobin for something -- he didn’t know what, reassurance, comfort, anything? But Soobin wasn’t looking at him. 

Kai knows it, he felt that same bleak Soobin felt when he mentioned Beomgyu’s name -- but he felt bleak for different reason. 

“You’re so funny, Ryujin. Where’s Lia?” he asked. 

“Room C4, turn left on the last aisle.” Ryujin said before she went talking to the cashier. Soobin started hi way on the direction she told him but he stopped and wait for Kai. 

The boy was stuck there, frozen. It was so warm near Soobin but this time, he just felt cold. “Kai, you’re going?” he asked. 

Ryujin glanced to the boy, his demeanor like he’s about to pass out. “No, you go ahead, Hyuka will help me choose the snack.” Although apprehensive, Soobin chose to leave. And once he was without earshot, Ryujin’s facade finally melted onto worry. “Are you okay?” she reached out and rested her hand on his shoulder.

Kai smiled to her and nodded, his hand placed atop of hers. “I just realized I have a five-page essay to submit this Monday  and I only managed to write a paragraph. The professor already told us he loves failing students so I don’t know what my mum will think of that if I fail this subject.”

_ You’re getting so good at lying, Huening Kai, look at you. _

Ryujin finally chuckled over this trivial freshmen problem. “Oh you’ll learn sooner or later how to cram school works, trust me, it’s fun.” she pulled him closer and, even though Kai towers her, wrapped her arm on his shoulder. “You choose what to eat and I’ll choose what to drink, yeah?”

Kai nodded, finally cracking a small smile. 

He chose everything to his heart desires with a promise from Ryujin that they’ll make Soobin pay half of it. 

“So you, Yeonjun, Beomgyu and Soobin are childhood friends, right?” Ryujin turned her head to him. 

“Yeah,”

“And you and Yeonjun were a thing?”

Ryujin tilted her head, as though studying Kai -- but to his defense, he needs to know now...about Soobin and Beomgyu. 

“Yeah,” Ryujin crossed her arms and leaned on the wall. 

“And Beomgyu and…” he gulped, taking in a deep breathe to assure his voice wouldn’t shake. “Soobin?”  

Ryujin shrugged. Huening Kai frowned deeper. 

“Not sure anymore, they were in a really rocky situation right now. Soobin never really tells me anything, and Beomgyu’s always with Yeonjun and Taehyun, so I wouldn’t know. Last time I check, Beomgyu wanted a break and either these two knuckleheads had already ended things permanently or they‘re just in another episode of cool off.”

Kai didn’t know how to respond with that information so he merely nodded. He knows he’s being selfish and evil but he never wished for any couples to break up before, not this time. He knew he was becoming desperate. “But I think Soobin is making the best out of this. I could say the same thing about Gyu but I rarely see him these days.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Soobin has always been tied to the hip with Gyu. He would follow him everywhere, he only got his eyes on him, he was— still probably is— his everything.”

Huening Kai couldn’t take the weight of what he heard. His body felt like led, so slumped on the wall is what he did.

“But there is a fault in that.” His friend looked on her feet, recalling. “Soobin loves Gyu so much that he wouldn’t allow himself to be vulnerable around him. He only gives Gyu what is perfect, only lets Gyu see his perfect side that it just worn him out. Not one soul can love completely and unconditionally without letting oneself be vulnerable. That’s one thing Soobin has to learn. If he cannot open himself completely then his partner— hell,even his soulmate— will have a hard time being vulnerable around him.” 

“He’s so closed?”

“Constipated? Yeah, emotionally constipated. But now that there’s no Beomgyu he follows around, Soobin needs to make friends on his own.”

The staff called them for their drinks and snacks. Huening Kai helping Ryujin with the trays of food but his mind wandering. 

When they get into their room, Lia had already pressed about five songs in reserve, while Soobin was skimming through the song book, his head turned up when Ryujin and Kai entered the room.”You’re starting without us?” Ryujin sounded so betrayed and Lia, who was about to enter yet another song looks like a deer caught in a headlight. 

The dull pain of words spoken by Ryujin earlier just become too sweeping, that being in the same room with Soobin makes him feel so defeated. Kai seated himself on the other couch with Lia. He was on his phone, hardly looking on Soobin or his direction. “Kai! Choose your song.” Ryujin snatched the song book, resting idly on Soobin’s lap and gave to Kai. The other boy was eyeing him and it was a mistake to even look up to Ryujin’s retreating form -- Soobin just caught his eyes and wouldn’t let go. KaI pressed his lips into a smile and looked down to the song book on his lap. Lia had started singing and Ryujin cheering/recording this. He was raking his playlist mentally for a decent song he can sing when the sofa beside him dipped. 

He didn’t have to guess who it was.

“Hey, are you okay?” Soobin whispered. The goosebumps it left on Kai’s arms -- he knew the other boy was pretty close and he proved him right when he turned his head on the side.  _ No.  _ “Yeah,”Kai gave him a reassuring smile. 

It came out of nowhere and Kai wished he reacted better but when Soobin rested his palm on his forehead then on his cheek then the back of his hand on his neck. 

_ No, don’t do that. It’s so warm.  _

Kai hated it, the way he can freeze him and melt him in a matter of second. He hates how little an action can Soobin do and he already have Kai on edge, reeling, breathless, hopelessly in love. 

When Soobin noticed Kai’s surprised reaction, he drew his hand back. “Sorry -- I just thought perhaps you’re not feeling well?”

“How can you tell?” Kai had to know -- he has to know if even the tiniest connection was there.

“There’s just something off...about you than earlier? So, are you feeling alright?”

Before Kai could respond, Ryujin had given him the mic and asked him to sing with her. 

And so, like a coward, he stood up and escaped. But Soobin gaze still burns him. 

  
  


Once they decided to go home, Soobin insisted on walking with Kai back to the dorm. Ryujin had a scowl on her face but otherwise, she didn’t say anything about Soobin’s action. And it was at this point that Kai realized there is no escaping Soobin, at least without him looking like he was avoiding the elder. 

         “Ryujin told me you’re worrying about a paper due on Monday?” Soobin said as they started walking. Kai cursed mentally — there is no paper due because he is only lying earlier. But he still went on with it. “Yeah, actually.” He gulped.

           “If you wanted to, we. We can study at a cafe tomorrow?” 

          Kai glanced at him and he was staring at him, hopeful. Those dark eyes that appears so cold when it first laid a look on him now looks so warm, so beautiful. And Huening Kai is so captivated by it. He was Soobin’s captive and the latter barely knows of it.

         Kai smiled, softly. “Depends on the cafe. It needs to be serving some chocolate mint.”

          Soobin scrunched his nose. “No, you’re like Yeonjun. Chocolate mint tastes like toothpaste.”

            Playfully, Kai punched Soobin’s arm. “Hey, take that back!” 

            Giggling, the two went on through the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another update!  
> Enjoyyyy
> 
> Peach Blossom means “I am your captive”.


	10. Author’s Note

Hello, my beautiful readers from our nameless fandom! This is Rosie here (I’m a ningdungi for those who know what that is, congratulations! We have the same bias). 

I just wanna apologize in advance for breaking some of your hearts and making some of y’all cry, I grew up reading tragedy and it’s my current favorite genre that this kind of plot has been on my head since. I tried doing this fic for Vkook but it seems like there’s already a lot of Hanahaki AU for them. 

Just a little warning: Hyuka will be through a lot and I really meant A LOT, people. I already put warnings in the tag but I’m gonna warn y’all for the next chapters if there’ll be heavy angst. I wanna go gentler on Hyuka’s storyline but that will sacrifice the quality of the plot and so I decided to continue with the angst-ridden story. 

But rejoice, I have another sookai story to write and it will be a Harry Potter AU with Slytherin Kai and Gryffindor Soobin so watch that one out. Thank you for reading and supporting my humble story! 

Stan TXT and if you already do, continue loving them 💜💜💜💜


	11. Helenium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this take too long, school is about to start and my work is getting busier too. It's a pretty long chapter so enjoy, enjoy!

Huening Kai stared between his initial outlines for his final term paper on Comparative Politics and Theoretical Philosophy (which he had no clue where to start -- he hasn’t even finish reading Sartre yet). It was only surface knowledge he got with both subjects, so he decided to take whichever his hand grasped. “Yo, we should eat at the cheesesteak house!” Yeonjun snuck behind him and shoved the phone a couple of inches from his face. 

Kai looked at the clock and he still had 3 hours till he meets Soobin at the courtyard and Yeonjun had been bugging him since last night to have a cheesesteak breakfast. 

The cheesesteak place was pretty full, so when Yeonjun ran for the shortest line, he shooed Kai to look for a vacant table. It led him to the second floor where only few people were scattered.   As his eyes roamed around for the best spot, he caught sight of a familiar blonde hair at the back,the owner of which was facing his direction and seemingly talking to another man. Huening Kai squinted his eyes just to make sure it was who he thought he was, and surely it really was Choi Beomgyu, talking to another guy. He didn’t know why he stayed frozen like that, a frown on his face as he witnessed the other guy hold Beomgyu’s hand close to his face. Beomgyu’s expression unreadable until his eyes found Kai’s, and like a glitter of hope, he smiled on the younger boy. But Huening Kai felt the opposite and his face went blank, faltering the smile on Beomgyu’s. 

 _Don’t you have Soobin?_ He thought bitterly. 

He was waiting in misery to get noticed by that very person who Beomgyu took for granted. He is hopelessly in love with that same person who Beomgyu disregard. That very person who will give the world to Beomgyu, Huening Kai will gladly die for. If only Kai could be on his place. Huening Kai wishes to be on his place.  

He immediately went downstairs only to be face to face with a very confused Yeonjun. “Is it full ups—” before Yeonjun can finish his question, a couple on the corner left a table where Kai dragged Yeonjun. They spent their breakfast chatting, jumping from one topic to another that they didn't notice Beomgyu behind Kai until he tapped his shoulder and the younger boy froze. “Hey, Junnie, Kai.” He smiled at them. Kai swallowed and willed himself to turn his body and smile at the blonde, seeing the latter’s friend went out of the establishment. 

“You’ve gone incognito, where have you been?” Yeonjun asked which rung on Kai’s ear. He waited for Beomgyu’s answer.

“Just fixing some mess. And trying to sort myself out.”

“Well, hope it’s going well because, seriously, I’m worried about you and Soobin.”

Huening Kai froze, his head hung low. He doesn’t know if Beomgyu notice because he could only care less. That green-eyed monster slowly awakening inside him. “Hyung, please, can we not talk about it?” 

Something inside Kai snapped and made his blood boil.

“Why not? I’m just checking you guys out.” 

But before Beomgyu can answer, Kai stood up and excused himself to the toilet, without waiting for any of their responses nor looking at their reactions.

Huening Kai wanted to ignore the fact that what he needed, others can just throw away at their whim and it hurts him. He didn’t know how long he stayed in the restroom or how tight he gripped the sink, just staring nowhere until Yeonjun knocked on the door, asking if he was alright. 

“Yeah, I think I’ve had too much cheese.” he yelled. When he came out of the restroom and looked to where they were seated, Beomgyu was gone. Then came that cold and ugly aftermath of jealousy and unwarranted anger from earlier, eating Kai up like guilt. It isn’t Beomgyu’s fault. It’s no one’s fault but Kai was too blinded by hurt to even think logically that his fall back was to blame. It isn’t fair to Beomgyu. He should’ve thought about his actions better.

Kai found himself following where Yeonjun suggested just to kill their time — the Arcade. They were the first patrons around, and Yeonjun’s hoot and Kai’s squeal were the only noise around. He ended up winning a bunny plushie from the claw machine. The small button eyes and squishy cheeks greatly reminds him of Soobin. As cliche as it may be, he decided to name the plushie Tobin — not that he will say or admit to anyone he named it after his soulmate. So going back to the campus and into the cafe, he absentmindedly gripped Tobin until its namesake came in Huening Kai’s view. 

Soobin was wearing a large white tee that somewhat still emphasizes his well-built body, and resting on his bunny-like nose is a big round glasses. Huening Kai had to pause just to capture this breathtaking view of the elder. Gods did he love the way Soobin scrunches his nose when concentrating, or when he sweeps his hair back when his locks were getting in the way, or when he just sits there and do the things he enjoys the most — sunlight gracing his honey skin and just displaying how ethereal he is. He could be doing nothing and it will still be the most endearing thing Kai would ever see. 

His little show came to a halt when Soobin caught a glimpse of him. The eldest breaking into a toothy smile and waving at him like flowers blooming in springtime.  Huening Kai let go of a breathe and all along with it, the weight he felt earlier. 

He tried to hide his bashful smile, ashamed of staring at the eldest for a good minute or two, and strode where the Soobin was seated. “Hey,” he greeted once he took the seat across Soobin. By then, the latter had already snatched Tobin from Kai’s embrace and placed his face beside the plushie. “I’m cuter, right?” He said, albeit it sounded like a demand from Kai to agree. Chuckling, Kai scratched his chin and squinted his eyes in feigned scrutiny.  “Hmmmmm,”

Soobin made an extra effort of winking and flashing a peace sign, even poking his dimple, pulling another chuckle from Kai. “Soobin is cute but —” Kai stood up and snatched Tobin back. He cracked up upon seeing Soobin’s betrayed look. Soobin could only shake his head and sigh. “You’re lucky I can’t stay mad at you,”

“And why is that?” Kai put Tobin on the table and rested his cheeks on its head, doing a puppy-eyes as best as he could. “Because I’m cute as well?” 

Perhaps Kai expected another clapback and not a Soobin resting his chin on the palm of his head, eyes on Huening Kai and into his soul. He stared at him so deep, that Kai can feel a blush creeping back on his cheeks. Maybe he was fooling around, Kai thought. But as another second pass, Soobin stare just became deeper and deeper and Kai felt himself drowning. A warmth inside of him was blooming and was about to spread like wildfire the more they stare at each other’s eyes. Sparks were starting to ignite in his veins and butterflies making a titillating sensation on his stomach. 

_Soulbonding._

_Is this how it feels?_

_Please let this happen please._

Something in Soobin’s expression changed but Kai can’t quite decipher. Confusion? Awe? Astonishment?

He doesn’t know. 

He doesn’t know if Soobin feels the same ignition in his veins, or if there’s anything at all. 

Soobin eyes widened.

And his phone rang.

As though waking up from a trance, he shook his head and blinked too many times. “Sorry, that’s —” his words trailed as he fished out his phone from his pocket and answered the caller, marching towards the exit.

They were almost there.

Almost. 

Kai watched as the elder boy walk away, wanting to cling to him and ask him to stay. But Huening Kai can give the world to Soobin and he couldn’t see why a little wait would be a hindrance. So he will wait. Even for a thousand years. 

They spent the day together, mostly studying and talking about the universe when taking a break. Soobin is still...Soobin? Yes, he did become more clingy but Kai will never complain about that. He enjoys these little moments and will never tire of doing this everyday. So before they parted, Kai and Soobin stared at each other. 

“Will you —”

“Is it fine —”

They both blurted. Stunned, they chuckled. “You first,” Soobin said to which Kai shook his head. “No, eldest first.” He replied. Soobin didn’t contest it and stare at the ground for a second before taking in a deep breathe. “Wanna have lunch tomorrow? My treat remember?”  

Huening Kai grinned at the way Soobin fidgets and shifts his weight from side to side. “Of course, it’s free food,” Soobin equally grinned to his reply. “As a matter of fact, I’m going to ask you to hang out again tomorrow — same spot, you know, at lunch.” Kai continued.

“Well, I thought that’s our routine already?”

Kai chuckled. “Of course, just making sure.” 

There was a comfortable silence between them before Soobin broke into another grin, looking on the other direction, his cheeks has the lightest blush and thrilled Kai to know he has an effect on the eldest. “I’ll see tomorrow, then?” Kai mumbled and waved a little but Soobin dismissed it. “I’ll walk you to your dorm,”

For a good minute Kai only stared at Soobin as though he grew a head and it made the blush on the latter’s cheek deeper. “I — I mean, only if you want me to —it’s really fine if you d—” but before he could finish, Kai had already looped his arms to Soobin’s and the words he’s trying to say all left in the dust. 

He didn’t try to move away from Kai’s hold. They walked like that until they had to say goodbye. And even in their farewell, Kai felt warmth with the promise that there will always be a tomorrow for the two of them.

  


Soobin and Kai. 

Kai and Soobin. 

It was always the two of them on their usual place in the courtyard, basking under the sun. Once, they went to Han River to eat fish cakes and tteobokki, almost getting late for their next class but still giggling on their back to the campus. Sure, he still efficiently divides his time from hanging out with Taehyun and Yeonjun in the afternoon to grabbing dinner with Ryujin and Lia, but lunchtime had always been between him and Soobin.  Him and Soobin.

Until an overcast Thursday, Huening Kai found their usual place vacant. It was usually the elder who occupies it first -- Kai would always found him seated there with a bunny smile once Soobin felt him approaching but today it was only Kai. He started answering his homework for another subject but his attention would shift quickly to anyone approaching with the hopes that it’s Soobin. He sighed and shook his head, thinking perhaps the elder might be attending a personal business and that there’s no reason for him to worry -- that hyung is clearly smart and big enough to handle himself. Kai thought he should stop overthinking and just disregard the cold feeling in his gut. 

So he busied himself with his homework until he had to go to class...until his class ended and until the day ended as well, but there was nothing on his phone from Soobin. 

Friday seemed a little brighter, at least the sunray could penetrate through the thin clouds. He spent his entire morning with Taehyun through their classes with only dinner to look forward to (Ryujin promised samgyupsal as a treat). He planned to just nap on lunch, apprehensive to go back to the courtyard when Taehyun offered Kai to join them for lunch. "Yeonjun told me the cheesestake house you went was great, so you joining?"

       “I’ll try to catch up — just gonna return this to the library.” He held up Wilde’s De Profundis. 

“You know, if you love that novel so much, why don’t you just buy a copy?” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I’m saving up to visit my sister in Germany.” He said. 

While it wasn’t a lie that it was the book’s due date, he only chose to return it that time in an attempt to find out if Soobin was there. His mind kept telling him to stop hoping that he would find the elder on the same spot: he went to the library and returned the book and until then he was resolute to join Taehyun and Yeonjun for lunch but his feet took him to the same place.

Surely, there he was...as though he was never gone; sitting there, flipping through the pages of his book. 

The breeze swept Soobin's hair and like calling him to notice the younger, the wind went to Kai's direction, bringing what little scent it carried from Soobin and with it, the latter turned his head to Kai's direction.

Always, like a bud blooming on spring, Soobin smile spread wide that his eyes barely visible. Huening Kai loves that bunny grin so much it pulled him towards the elder. His resolution earlier melted.

"Hey," Soobin greeted as Kai settled on the seat across him. "Hey," Kai imitated.

"Sorry, I wasn't around yesterday. I'm just sorting some stuff out." Kai didnt know why it sounded familiar but he dismissed any thought about it anyway.

"It's alright, I hope everything is okay?"

Soobin smiled. But it wasn't the same sad smile which he had been sparing Kai when a personal matter he kept private was mentioned. Today, Soobin's smile was free from any burden he tried to burried. Today, Soobin was truly happy. 

The sun may be hiding but his smile alone can compensate for the lack of sunshine. Soobin nodded and sighed in relief, glancing up to the sky then to Kai. "Yeah, everything's going well."

At the confirmation, Kai can't help but to smile as well. 

They didn't talk much, but it's okay, Kai had to study and prepare for recitation later. They didn't talk much, but it's okay, Soobin was happy and smiling throughout lunch. They didn't talk much, but it's okay, Soobin's already chatting with someone on the phone anyway. It's a bittersweet treat to Kai in a way he cannot explain. So he let him be.

"Oh, by the way, Kai. About tonight's party." Soobin started. Kai looked up to the elder to continue  "I might not make it? Something just come up recently and I think it might take the whole night to commit to it. But you should go, Ryujin and Lia and Taehyun and Yeonjun will all be there."

It was disheartening to know it and Huening Kai didn't even realized he was greatly looking forward to it until Soobin said so, but Kai made sure he won't notice. He nodded and smiled. "Ah, good luck with whatever will happen tomorrow." 

"Thank you."

But it's okay, Huening Kai thought, Soobin is happy.

  


Lia picked the seafood house for dinner, just before they head to the party. She kept insisting drinking is never good for empty stomachs. It was already mid September and the nights started to become chilly. Huening Kai promised to do better in beer pong when they get to the party. It was packed with juniors and seniors with sprawling sophomores then and there and freshmen scattered in small circles. Huening Kai remember his first party, albeit this one is bigger and crowded to the very edge. 

"Kai!" He heard someone call him, followed by a tight embrace. "Hey," Kai broke away and see Taehyun grinning at him. "Yeonjun will have a dance off later, we should watch." Tae trailed off on the last part when he realized who Kai was with.

"Hello to you, too." Ryujin pressed her lips to form somewhat of a smile although Taehyun only gave him a blank look. "I'll meet you later, yeah?" Kai promised and Tae hugged him one last time, threatening him with some ass-whopping if he'll miss the dance off. 

Huening Kai met a lot of new friends to the point he barely can keep up with the names. But everyone seemed nice and joking around. Kai felt his tummy ached from laughing too much. 

At beer pong, he felt himself getting better. With each perfect shoot, Ryujin, Lia and he celebrated. They were about to start another round after winning two times in a row when Kai recalled the dance off at the living room. "Shit," he cussed after recalling. "Language!" Ryujin said, limbering up as another round was about to begin.

"I need to go watch the dance off!" He said.

"Oh," Ryujin and Lia said in remembrance. They didn't say much nor pursue Kai to stay after recalling Taehyun's blank facade earlier -- which in all honesty, is pretty scary.

He waved and paced towards the sea of bodies beginning to grow near the make-shift dance floor. He can't count how many foot he stepped and in his mouth, he kept murmuring his apology again and again. 

_Taehyun Taehyun Taehyun Taehyun._

He scanned the crowd to look for his dear friend, eyes going from side to side, and making sure not to leave any corner unscanned. 

But Kai found someone and his heart skipped a beat -- no, it feels like it stop beating altogether and will combust anytime now. 

Soobin. 

Soobin was here. He, just like Kai earlier, had been turning his head slowly from one side to another but his eyes hastily move amongst the crowd in search for someone. 

Kai thought perhaps that certain errand he mentioned earlier finished early. Soobin didn't notice Kai about to approach his direction but continues his search.

_Are you looking for me, hyung?_

So Huening Kai, through the jumping and dancing crowd, made his way to Soobin all while his eyes are on the elder and the elder's eyes searching and searching and…

As though spring came early, Soobin's eyes widened, the thin line on his lips beautifully turned into a smile. His eyes so warm that whoever he found in the crowd sure did bask on it and Kai felt a twinge of envy. 

He wanted Soobin to look at him like that. He needed to...selfishly, even if it's only a glance. So deeply he breathed in with the name of the elder on his lips and was about to let it go when someone swiftly fell on Soobin's opened arms. 

Huening Kai froze on his place. The slicing cold in his stomach started to creep through every  nerve of his body. He never felt so cold before, he never knew the gravity of a breaking heart -- of how it swell painfully that it started to tear somewhere deep within. 

He tried. He did. All his effort he put into willing himself to look away...but he couldn't. Even if his knees might give out, even if tears floods his eyes he couldn't look away. Even if his heart is breaking he has to look as Soobin tightened his arms around Beomgyu, as though claiming him and protecting him, afraid that if he wouldn't pull him closer, Beomgyu might escape. And when they finally pull away from each other, Soobin held Beomgyu's hand dearly and his other hand caressing his cheeks ever so gently. Because to Soobin, Beomgyu is the most precious person in the world. To Soobin, Beomgyu is the world. His eyes shines like a thousand galaxy were stored in it and it was only for Beomgyu. Only him. 

      It's a bittersweet treat for Kai to have Soobin genuinely happy although he isn't the cause of it. And it's why he can't afford to look away and miss this chance of seeing the person he loves the most happy on someone else's arms.

         _One_

     Soobin rest his forehead on Beomgyu. Kai started to hold his breath. 

        _Two_

Beomgyu closed his eyes and Soobin did too. Kai felt like the ground under his feet crumble.

         _Three_

        The lights dimmed down and Soobin leaned to catch Beomgyu's lips. Beomgyu responded to it by tilting his head. That moment Kai cannot bear the way his heart swell and depletes into nothingness.  His chest hurts and his vision blurred. Or maybe it's his chest, it tightened so much he cannot breathe. And everything inside him cracked under such pressure.

        One of the party-goers hopped in front of Kai to get a better view of what's happening in the dance floor; thereby, blocking the view of Soobin and Beomgyu while pushing Kai backward. And he let it all be. He let the crowd push him far away from Soobin. And no matter how loud the screams and music had become, everything to Kai is muted as though he was submerged in a cold, cold water. At every second, his chest felt like it would cave in and he knows...he’s drowning. The air around him became too heavy, and like an invisible hand that plucked him out of water, the crowd and music suddenly became ear-deafening. So he flailed and blindly stumble out of the crowd...but even in that attempt, his chest constricts harder. 

         He turned to where the bathroom is and locked himself in, back resting on the door he slid to his knees. Huening Kai gasped and gasped and gasped for air. He wondered how can a pain so emotional manifests itself physically...why must it feel like dying. He hold his chest and tried to get air into his lungs, and once he did, his entire body fell completely on the floor. The fire in his lungs doused. Kai didn’t even noticed the tears he shed in trying to breathe again yet later he found his eyes weren’t able to stop the ocean from flooding his cheeks

It was serene, with only his scattered heart on the floor and the dimmed bass from outside. Kai grunted as he stood up, clinging to the sink for stability. On the reflection, his entire face was deep red and the traces of tears still visible. 

 _It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright_ he kept promising to himself.

Yet another pain struck his chest and his body convulsed, lurching forward to the sink, Huening Kai felt something like a ball of needle in his throat. His knuckles had gone white gripping the sink but nothing ever feels quite like this before. So he scraped his throat, coughed and coughed until he felt something moved up to the back of his mouth. He doubled over deeper to the sink until it was out of his lips and onto his palm. 

He can hear his pulse beating rapidly. Slowly, he opened the palm of his hand and lying on it was a bright yellow petal. Huening Kai wondered how something so delicate and soft be this painful. And like a riptide, the realization hits him.

_Hanahaki_

_Soobin rejected the soulbond_

_He doesn’t love me, never will_

Everything just felt numb. The wreckage is the only thing left. 

_I’m dying, but what can I do about it?_

_But am I not too young to die?_

_Do i still have a choice?_

He stared at the yellow petal of what seemed like a daffodil flower and held onto it, praying that everything was only a dream...a nightmare he could wake up from. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helenium means "Tears" in the Victorian Language of Flowers.
> 
> I'm sorry guys, I tried to make this as least painful as possible.


End file.
